Reflections from behind the bars

Late post from June 2, 2024

I have been riding and training on my bike somewhat consistently since last October. After a long very long hiatus, I decided to get my health issues taken care of and get back to the sport that has brought me joy since my childhood.

Cycling has been a constant in my life, but it wasn’t until I moved to Tucson in 2006 that I took things more serious. The bike has helped me through challenging times, it has taught me many life lessons, and was the gateway to a healthy lifestyle at a time when I needed it the most. 

I got into bike racing in 2008, however, the joy of cycling and racing was robbed from me in 2015 when a debilitating back injury took me out of cycling and triathlon for good. September 19, 2015 was the last long and hard training ride I did, 100mi at IM pace in 4:58:56. I rode in pain for most of that ride and after it I couldn’t run longer than a mile without pain in my right side and leg.

Many PT appointments, failed comebacks, injuries, re-injuries have gone by. I spent time doing other things, exploring other activities, while at the same time missing the joy of being on a bike. 

Every time I tried getting back to it, an hour or two hours would go by before the pain would creep in.  I would ride chasing who I was, only to be disappointed by not seeing the numbers I used to see. The emotional toll was too much and I would hang the cleats for months. The fact was I couldn’t let go of who I was and that person was stealing my time and joy.

It took some hard soul searching to accept that I am no longer that person, that this is the body I have now, that I’m older. Stoicism teaches to worry about the things you can control and to focus on the here and now. Being humbled by age and injuries has helped me accept this and move beyond the past and focus on the now. Focus on what I can achieve with this body, focus on healing my back, focus on the numbers I can hit today. It has not been easy, but it works!

In my typical self deprecating humor I call it #oldmanwatts. Thanks to my coach Jen Lynn and my PT Carlee Ulrich I was able to finish the Whiskey 50 without back pain (ignore the rest of my body for this…) and a heart full of joy. I have been riding the Bicycle Ranch ride for the last 3 weeks, getting the living hell beaten out of me but loving every minute of it. As painful as it is, it has taught me acceptance and it has given me joy in seeing small progress every week. 

The truth is I was missing the joy of the process as well. As I write this, I’m signed up for Tour of the White Mountains. The goal is to yet again race with joy and push the power a bit more. 

An old teammate who I ran into at the Bicycle Ranch ride, Alex, asked me if I would get back road racing. My response was I would see where things lead to for now and where this body takes me. If the #oldmanwatts let me then I would try my luck, but for now I’m just enjoying being alive and turning the cranks.

I write this to say that if you are out there struggling to get back to something you used to do, or living thinking about who you used to be. Stop. Bury that person. Honor it for who it was but let it go. Give yourself grace and embrace who you are today, and get back by being your present self. Yesterday is gone, today is here and tomorrow is not promised. When you divorce yourself from any thoughts of your old self, you get back the joy robbed and get back to living. Clip in or lace them up and get out there!

Love

As I depart the island, the air carries the heavy yet familiar scent of good bye. One last breath of my childhood home… It hurts, every time we say good bye it hurts. Some good byes are less painful. They are alleviated by some faith that things will be alright and the promise of a prompt and usual Christmas visit. “Vete tranquilo, nos vemos pronto.” -Mom says.

Other times, it is damn hard. The weight of uncertainty crushes your chest and rips apart every living shred of your already broken heart. Those times were faith fails you and is undermined by the circumstances. “La cosa está mala. No hay múcaro que eche rabo.” -Dad says.

The devious thing with life is that it’s deceivingly slow when we burry ourselves in daily routines. Lies, life unmistakably evaporates in front you, without regard for what you love and care for. Unforgivingly, it ravages youth with certainty. What was once full of life and strenght, grows frail, unwilling to accept its predicament. You watch from a distance, weak, unable, desperate, questioning what did this cruel thing do to you? How did we get here?

See, I may never know what is like to give parental love to a human being, love so powerful and unconditional. That is by personal choice. However, I have felt that love in the hugs of my parents and grandparents, in their broken voice and tears every-time I leave. That kind of love is so powerful it hurts, it tears you apart and it holds you together harmoniously.

I leave today, older, full of love; yet, broken. Unwilling to accept the aging of those I love, unwilling to concede to the fleeting nature of life.

I leave today wiser, eager to grip every ounce left of time, eager to capture those moments, to live those experiences, to honor my loved ones, to cherish their life, to not let distractions rob me of the precious instances that I have left to live.

If there’s a moral in all of this is that life is too damn short; still, we throw seconds, minutes, hours away, with our heads down in meaningless distractions. We loose grip, and in a blink of an eye, it’s gone. Hold on tight, hold on tight to those moments, those experiences. Hold on tight to your loved ones while they are present in this mortal life and guard your time fiercely! Be kind, love and be loved! As painful as it may be, love is one of the greatest gifts of our human condition. I doubt anyone in their dead bed has said, I wish I could’ve wasted more of my time…

Christian

Healing

I picked up my camera again after 17 years. Weird, isn’t it? A lot has changed since I bought my first DSLR in 2005. This time is different though.

Photography came back to my life in a time of healing. Photography has become a way self expression, a way of exploring and capturing the things I got to see, or get to see when I’m out in the middle of nowhere, when I’m out on trails, streets, traveling. A way of sharing the world through my eyes at a slower pace.

I decided to create this space to share those visions and thoughts. Thanks for coming along for the journey.

Christian